Regular readers, since in both my anxiety tips, and my graduate mental health posts, I touched on the importance of cutting ties with toxic individuals, I thought it only fair to share with you my own experiences, and some of the sorts of behaviours you should look out for and try to avoid when trying to lead a positive life. I created this series both as a form of therapy and a means of warning/advising others who may feel like they are in the same boat. I’m making this a series, as it was a little long to include several types of toxic friend in one post. I aim to post at 11am GMT each week until the series is done.
Ps. Please don’t be afraid to walk away if someone is damaging your energy. It does not make you a bad person to walk away from someone who is toxic. You deserve happiness! x
Deceptively charming, these are the friends who genuinely lack the ability to care for anyone except themselves. You may think I’m being dramatic, in which case I’d suggest that you are just lucky enough to have never met a true narc. There is a difference between self love/confidence and narcissism. A narcissist will only “care” about you when you have something they want or need. If you cannot be used to inflate their ego in some way, you are an irrelevant afterthought. The issue with a narc is that they are some of the best actors out there. They will make you feel like your bond is unbreakable, but they are ruthless and remorseless. Their ego will always outweigh any affection they have for you. They are the eternal martyr, always wronged but never wrong, they make you feel special by saying awful things about everyone in their lives “except you”, all the while listening to and saving your weaknesses for later. Your harmony lasts until you stand up to them, or in their way.
I remember you most for the summer that I needed to laugh. Boy, did we laugh. I was your go to for fun, nothing serious, and in part, I knew that. I didn’t reject it because I needed it too. I could never have trusted you, because I’d seen the way you abused the trust of others. But we had fun. I knew then you could never really love me, because you were too consumed with yourself. You post pictures where everyone looked awful, spare you, then let your conceit grow into thinking you were always the best looking in the room. You had an excuse for every bad thing you’d ever done, and acted as though the world was against you when you felt the consequences of the negative energy you’d fed into the world.
Even though you knew I was bruised from being cheated on numerous times, you insisted on tarnishing my belief in humans even further, and I found myself lying to partners for you out of love. Innocent people who loved you. People you would later claim were ‘crazy’, or terrible when they stood up for themselves or realised they were worth more. I found myself saying words I promised myself I would never say. I hate to lie, but I did for you. “No, she’s not cheating on you! She would never!“, “No! Of course he hasn’t been flirting with me, or telling me he wished you were ‘more like me”! That would be awful!” I coached you through your grief when your best friend died. I stayed up to talk to you every night you were struggling, while you told your [ex]-girlfriend I was some crazy stalker. The same way you talked about her, even when you shared her bed.
I accepted all your flaws, and told family who hated you that they misunderstood you, because we had too much fun. Because you made me feel special. Before long, I realised that all conversation between us had one common ground- you. I became tired of treading on egg-shells, and for being berated for standing up for myself or giving you advice. I became tired of listening to you talk about the things you had been bought by lovers, and family you admitted to caring little for. Tired of you belittling my relationships based on the material value of yours compared to mine. Carefully and subtly reminding me that I was less. I only realised what you were because suddenly when the sun wasn’t shining you weren’t there. When I needed you most, you were absent, because you couldn’t feed from my energy.
But then I realised. I didn’t need you. I never did. I found myself, and did it when I was far away from you. I realised I was not less. I am beautiful. My soul will always be a breath of fresh air compared to your toxic radiation cloud. My relationships, though few, are healthy and whole- and that makes me the richest woman in the world. My friend, I met you in the summer and we had a blast, but when the winter came you were nowhere to be seen. I hope one day you become as wealthy as I am.
I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I believe that soul-mates are not always romantic partners, or “the one”, or even necessarily friends made to last; but they may also be people you meet at a time in your life when you need each other for one reason or another. As they say, some friends come for a lifetime, and others just a season, but to me that’s no reason to say that you can’t cherish the memories you made together. When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to fit in. When I met you, for what ever reason, I did. As we grew, our views on love, friendship and trust began to grow and change- and us with them. If you’re reading this, and you find I’ve left you behind, know that it was never easy for me. For me, when I love someone, I love them loyally and wholeheartedly. No matter what you’ve done, or how time has gnarled us, know that I wish you the best.
**DISCLAIMER: This post is not directed at any one in particular, but there may be elements applicable to several people whom, for one reason or another, are no longer a part of my journey.**